Hold a seashell to your ear and you will hear the ocean. That's how the myth goes. In reality, the sound we hear in an empty conch is little more than an amplification of the noise that is already around us. The shell does little more than accentuate certain aspects of what you already know. Advice is often heard in a similar way.
The advice that we give to others is rarely something that they do not know for themselves. At least, it's rarely something they believe they didn't know. It is instead heard as an amplification of something they already knew to be true - an echo of things they already understood. At best, this may sound pointless. At its worst, this is downright patronising.
This gets worse. There is no small degree of dignity to be found in suffering. We all wish to fight our own battles and want to deserve the credit for our own victories. Try to imagine how disappointing it would be to tirelessly struggle with something, only to win after someone pointed out something that you already knew. To what degree would you owe them your success?
Of course, very few people would consciously follow this way of thinking. At the very least, we would make an effort to actively seek advice once we realise that there is a problem. There is no shortage of unconscious arrogance that prevents us from taking this advice on board though. For one thing, we would like to believe that it was down to our own ingenuity that we discovered such advice. Secondly, we are quick to convince ourselves that, because such advice is something we can find for ourselves, it is something that we already understand.
It is therefore very difficult to give somebody truly acceptable advice. If solicited, it is obvious. If unsolicited, it is an attack on a person's dignity. There are so many double edged swords in such a pursuit that it may seem as though the best course of action is to avoid advising anyone. Who are we to say we know better than anyone else? It would certainly seem to be the case that there is no shortage of arrogance in those who give advice too. Maybe our advising is, at its core, simply a desire to control another person.
This is actually true. The best case scenario is that we worry about others and that drives us to control them with advice. If they are safe, we feel safe. So, instead of denying the power dynamics of advice, I would suggest that it is essential to understand them before good advice may be given. People will not accept your advice until they are broken and willing to give up the dignity of their inner struggles. So, we must understand each other's limits and where they lie. We must understand rock bottom.
Rock bottom is a term used by recovering addicts. It refers to a point so low that a person finally breaks and admits that they need help. As ugly as this can look, it is considered the first step on the road to recovery. From the depths of such depression, the humility to seek and accept help is learned. As unfortunate as this may seem, such humility is often required before someone is willing to hear you out. The sad fact of the matter is that a person's suffering can vindicate us.
The good news is that people will rarely lose a war in a single battle. There are many battles along the way and many opportunities to help. Each of these battles could be considered a microcosm of the greater struggle. They too come with a kind of rock bottom. If we can tailor our advice to these stages and time it correctly, we may cushion the fall from grace without causing the same affront to personal autonomy. We can actually protect a person's dignity.
So, how do we do this? The first thing to do is to understand what a person receptive to advice looks like. Most apparent is a doleful yet subdued expression. Their grief isn't shouted aloud but is rather meek and quiet. The person puts on a brave face as best as they can and usually does a pretty poor job of it. This is because such inner weakness makes us vulnerable. We learn rather quickly that it is better to hide that vulnerability. So, a person receptive to advice is usually looking out for it in secret rather than asking directly.
Therefore, a natural conclusion we can draw from this is that we may not know exactly when our advice will be taken. This does not nullify its purpose though, only the method by which is delivered. Rather than offering the advice that would appear most useful to someone in your own eyes, it is better to live according to the advice that you wish to give and to offer comfort instead.
A person seeking advice will observe you intently when they are receptive to it. They will see for themselves if you are right. Likewise, they will welcome you when you offer them comfort for their grief. They will display an interest in who you are and how you do things rather than asking you to tell them what to do.
So, be kind, make friends, avoid hypocrisy and remain patient. Offer comfort as best as you can when someone looks upset. Chat, listen, offer them a hug - something tangible to mitigate their sense of loss. Do this and those who are most needful of your advice will see what you mean long before they hear it.
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